I love myself for the courage to follow my dreams! The heaviness of trying to make it right for everyone, especially me and the ones that are close. Although it might seem from the outside like total destruction and unaware decision-making, I can reassure you it is not.
We married last year, yes. We have been together for 10 years. We have a beautiful baby girl who is 2,5 years and an awkward dog from the animal shelter that can be both Dr. Jekyll and Mister Hyde. I can tell you I never made it myself easy. It is not because I don’t want to, it is because I know more than I talk about. It is because I take responsibility for my own life and of the living beings I care about. It is because I am very close with myself, I always listened to my inner voice. I had to in order to survive. I have a quest. This is part of my soul’s journey and it cannot be denied. My mission is to be awake and to help others become more awake too.
From the outside it might look like I am a disaster woman. Breaking up with my husband although we just married and have a baby girl. Nothing really happened, all looked the same. Everything was comfortable but nothing really moved. Nobody understands. I don’t care. My alarm signals became louder and louder. Do you want a decent, small life or a wild and loud, challenging and joyful life?
The point is, I love myself more than I love anyone else, except maybe my baby girl because I am responsible for her too. And I have to decide what I want to show her. To stay comfortable because it is the best for all, I mean, it is comfortable but unhappy. Or to make a change because you wanted to make it different for years now but nothing worked. It didn’t work to look at the communication patterns we have, it didn’t help to have a weekly conversation round just to talk about your own feelings, no need to answer just listen, it didn’t work to say what you wish for or what you expect in life or what your vision is and what could be the vision for your little family, it didn’t work to ask pointeered questions to get to know what the other is expecting out of life. So I decided to make a change. I decided to be better of as a single-raising mum than living under my potential what it could be like.
Joyful and respectful in separation
Our daughter has her own soul plan too, her own learnings and lessons that will accompany her life, I am just part of it and I am thankful and happy for that. She is a gift. She is a beautiful, sensitive and funny soul that is great to be around with. And she is very empathetic and knowing, even with 2,5 years! She is amazing! Being raised by a family constellation that is not average, even in these days, can be good or bad, it doesn’t matter, it is part of her plan too. And I love her. And her dad loves her. And we will make it as joyful and respectful as possible. Is it easy? Nope. It is, except for having been pregnant, giving birth, giving up on the life you knew and raising a child plus having a dog, the hardest thing I did in my life. This is really hard work. And we are just in the thick of it. You cannot see so far how it will go. You never see in advance, just go baby step by baby step, but go!
I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be in the relationship. I couldn’t be authentic. It took me years to realize that I am not doing anything wrong that it is not working but that our path and learning will be finished here as lovers but never as friends. That is the new chapter we are trying to build the base now, for her and for us. My quest to be authentic and to follow my soul’s curriculum is stronger. Many many years I thought we were soulmates although right from the beginning I realized we were both sides of a coin. I wanted it to work so I always told myself it is good to be different so you can learn and grow together. Until you realize that you are the only one who wants to learn and to grow, the other one just wants everything to stay the same. This was challenging. And again the mind tells you, you didn’t read the chapter yet, you have to learn something from the relationship, what do you learn?
Becoming more conscious and more aware of things doesn’t help you to stay happy. Your knowledge gained over the years helps you to understand that the mind seems to sit very comfortable in the driver seat. So because you are aware of the mind in the driver seat, you always make room for your heart. You do yoga, you meditate, you make time for yourself, for your needs, for your personal growth. You listen to your soul and there are thousands of tools out there: Yoga, meditation, trance dancing, kinesiology, EFT, energy work, bodywork, CranioSacral, psychology.
When you finally understand that your body, your mind and your soul are threesome and this is a beautiful, strong and healthy relationship (at least it can be) you realize you are not seeking for anything. All your life you thought you have a calling, a search for whatever, happiness? Until you realize you have a quest and this is absolutely different.
You understand that everything you are looking for is inside you. Happiness is an inside job. Nobody can tell you what makes you happy; you have to find it out for yourself. Depending on your environment, your conditioning in childhood and the level of awareness you bring with you, this acceptance helps you to love yourself fully. You always had this deep feeling of worthiness for yourself that is why you always readjusted your life (job, place, friends) but during the course of time people around you made you feel strange and difficult. Why are you never satisfied with what you have? And you started to ask yourself the same question, why am I never happy? What is this longing inside me? So you swapped form self-worthiness and self-care to busying your mind with never-ending questions.
Until after years of trying, understanding, asking, meditating, being „spiritual“ and becoming more aware, you understand that you are just perfect the way you are! There is no one out there the same as you are. You have a special gift to give to the world and even if you don’t know what this might be right now, it is there, it is inside you. Stop looking on the outside. Stop holding on to things that you sense are not good for you, even if they have been great for you at some point, learn to trust yourself, learn to feel the fear that is coming with the unknown. Accept it. Feel it. Try just to be there. Try to be you, be original! Even if it looks from the outside like destruction! 😉
This is the hardest time in my life and I had many hard times, having an accident with 5 years so I spent at least half a year in hospital and they had to remove one eye, living with a single mum with two children always fighting against her manic-depressive disease.
I am in no-mans-land. Letting go of all I don’t want anymore without the perspective how to get where I want and what I want. All I have is my vision and I try to stay optimistic, but it is challenging. So we are still living together although we separated 7 months ago. His mother is living with us every week from Sunday to Thursday because of childcare and she is a huge support. But I have nowhere to retreat myself and to be honest this is pretty much essential for me for a centred and harmonious living with myself. So you can almost imagine what I feel like, I feel like walking on hot coals every day, I am feeling like exploding just because of the slightest thing. I am feeling like giving up but then I look at Matilda and I know what I have to do.
Divorce day (Oct. 2016)
Tomorrow is divorce day. Finally we are getting divorced after a very short marriage, a one-year separation period and a long relationship.
Where do we stand? So far we did a good job in always coming together again, being respectful and supporting each other as good as it is possible, with the spotlight on her. She is 3,5 years now, is going to kindergarden and of course her little heart seems to feel sometimes confused, being here, being there, not understanding why mother and father are living separate. She doesn’t have to understand why. This question is leading nowhere. All she must know is that we love her unconditionally, that she has at least two places now where she can feel home, where she will be supported and valued for who she is. And that it is nobody’s fault. The guilt question leads nowhere too. And to be honest, in my opinion there are always two sides involved anyway.
To follow your own truth is never easy. Actually this is more challenging then to follow the societal truth, which in these days can’t be taken for real in my life model. To follow your path is a decision, you make it without knowing where it takes you.