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Love yourself and the rest will follow!

Love yourself and the rest will follow!

Self love

I love myself for the courage to follow my dreams! The heaviness of trying to make it right for everyone, especially me and the ones that are close. Although it might seem from the outside like total destruction and unaware decision-making, I can reassure you it is not.

We married last year, yes. We have been together for 10 years. We have a beautiful baby girl who is 2,5 years and an awkward dog from the animal shelter that can be both Dr. Jekyll and Mister Hyde. I can tell you I never made it myself easy. It is not because I don’t want to, it is because I know more than I talk about. It is because I take responsibility for my own life and of the living beings I care about. It is because I am very close with myself, I always listened to my inner voice. I had to in order to survive. I have a quest. This is part of my soul’s journey and it cannot be denied. My mission is to be awake and to help others become more awake too.

From the outside it might look like I am a disaster woman. Breaking up with my husband although we just married and have a baby girl. Nothing really happened, all looked the same. Everything was comfortable but nothing really moved. Nobody understands. I don’t care. My alarm signals became louder and louder. Do you want a decent, small life or a wild and loud, challenging and joyful life?

Decision making

The point is, I love myself more than I love anyone else, except maybe my baby girl because I am responsible for her too. And I have to decide what I want to show her. To stay comfortable because it is the best for all, I mean, it is comfortable but unhappy. Or to make a change because you wanted to make it different for years now but nothing worked. It didn’t work to look at the communication patterns we have, it didn’t help to have a weekly conversation round just to talk about your own feelings, no need to answer just listen, it didn’t work to say what you wish for or what you expect in life or what your vision is and what could be the vision for your little family, it didn’t work to ask pointeered questions to get to know what the other is expecting out of life. So I decided to make a change. I decided to be better of as a single-raising mum than living under my potential what it could be like.

Joyful and respectful in separation

Our daughter has her own soul plan too, her own learnings and lessons that will accompany her life, I am just part of it and I am thankful and happy for that. She is a gift. She is a beautiful, sensitive and funny soul that is great to be around with. And she is very empathetic and knowing, even with 2,5 years! She is amazing! Being raised by a family constellation that is not average, even in these days, can be good or bad, it doesn’t matter, it is part of her plan too. And I love her. And her dad loves her. And we will make it as joyful and respectful as possible. Is it easy? Nope. It is, except for having been pregnant, giving birth, giving up on the life you knew and raising a child plus having a dog, the hardest thing I did in my life. This is really hard work. And we are just in the thick of it. You cannot see so far how it will go. You never see in advance, just go baby step by baby step, but go!

I couldn’t be the person I wanted to be in the relationship. I couldn’t be authentic. It took me years to realize that I am not doing anything wrong that it is not working but that our path and learning will be finished here as lovers but never as friends. That is the new chapter we are trying to build the base now, for her and for us. My quest to be authentic and to follow my soul’s curriculum is stronger. Many many years I thought we were soulmates although right from the beginning I realized we were both sides of a coin. I wanted it to work so I always told myself it is good to be different so you can learn and grow together. Until you realize that you are the only one who wants to learn and to grow, the other one just wants everything to stay the same. This was challenging. And again the mind tells you, you didn’t read the chapter yet, you have to learn something from the relationship, what do you learn?

Becoming aware

Becoming more conscious and more aware of things doesn’t help you to stay happy. Your knowledge gained over the years helps you to understand that the mind seems to sit very comfortable in the driver seat. So because you are aware of the mind in the driver seat, you always make room for your heart. You do yoga, you meditate, you make time for yourself, for your needs, for your personal growth. You listen to your soul and there are thousands of tools out there: Yoga, meditation, trance dancing, kinesiology, EFT, energy work, bodywork, CranioSacral, psychology.

When you finally understand that your body, your mind and your soul are threesome and this is a beautiful, strong and healthy relationship (at least it can be) you realize you are not seeking for anything. All your life you thought you have a calling, a search for whatever, happiness? Until you realize you have a quest and this is absolutely different.

Happiness

You understand that everything you are looking for is inside you. Happiness is an inside job. Nobody can tell you what makes you happy; you have to find it out for yourself. Depending on your environment, your conditioning in childhood and the level of awareness you bring with you, this acceptance helps you to love yourself fully. You always had this deep feeling of worthiness for yourself that is why you always readjusted your life (job, place, friends) but during the course of time people around you made you feel strange and difficult. Why are you never satisfied with what you have? And you started to ask yourself the same question, why am I never happy? What is this longing inside me? So you swapped form self-worthiness and self-care to busying your mind with never-ending questions.

Be original

Until after years of trying, understanding, asking, meditating, being „spiritual“ and becoming more aware, you understand that you are just perfect the way you are! There is no one out there the same as you are. You have a special gift to give to the world and even if you don’t know what this might be right now, it is there, it is inside you. Stop looking on the outside. Stop holding on to things that you sense are not good for you, even if they have been great for you at some point, learn to trust yourself, learn to feel the fear that is coming with the unknown. Accept it. Feel it. Try just to be there. Try to be you, be original! Even if it looks from the outside like destruction! 😉

This is the hardest time in my life and I had many hard times, having an accident with 5 years so I spent at least half a year in hospital and they had to remove one eye, living with a single mum with two children always fighting against her manic-depressive disease.

Letting go

I am in no-mans-land. Letting go of all I don’t want anymore without the perspective how to get where I want and what I want. All I have is my vision and I try to stay optimistic, but it is challenging. So we are still living together although we separated 7 months ago. His mother is living with us every week from Sunday to Thursday because of childcare and she is a huge support. But I have nowhere to retreat myself and to be honest this is pretty much essential for me for a centred and harmonious living with myself. So you can almost imagine what I feel like, I feel like walking on hot coals every day, I am feeling like exploding just because of the slightest thing. I am feeling like giving up but then I look at Matilda and I know what I have to do.

 

Divorce day (Oct. 2016)

Tomorrow is divorce day. Finally we are getting divorced after a very short marriage, a one-year separation period and a long relationship.

Where do we stand? So far we did a good job in always coming together again, being respectful and supporting each other as good as it is possible, with the spotlight on her. She is 3,5 years now, is going to kindergarden and of course her little heart seems to feel sometimes confused, being here, being there, not understanding why mother and father are living separate. She doesn’t have to understand why. This question is leading nowhere. All she must know is that we love her unconditionally, that she has at least two places now where she can feel home, where she will be supported and valued for who she is. And that it is nobody’s fault. The guilt question leads nowhere too. And to be honest, in my opinion there are always two sides involved anyway.

To follow your own truth is never easy. Actually this is more challenging then to follow the societal truth, which in these days can’t be taken for real in my life model. To follow your path is a decision, you make it without knowing where it takes you.

Sehnsucht nach Mehr vom Leben

Sehnsucht nach Mehr vom Leben

Sehnsucht

Sehnsucht ist, wenn die Seele sucht. Die Seele sucht nach Leichtigkeit, Anmut und Frieden, im Tun, im Jetzt. Fühlst Du Dich leicht und freudvoll? Stehst Du montags gerne auf? Stehst Du überhaupt morgens gerne auf? Bist Du mit Dir im Reinen und weisst, wo Du stehst und wo Du hinwillst? Weisst Du, wer Du bist? Oder suchst Du insgeheim auch etwas? Und wenn ja, was könnte das sein? Die Frage des Weges kommt immer wieder, ist es der oder dieser da?  Die Entscheidung liegt bei Dir, den Zeitpunkt bestimmst Du und damit das letztendliche Auskommen am Ende des Weges.

Sehnsucht bedeutet für mich, sich lebendig fühlen, in allen Facetten der Gefühlswelt. Der Weg der Seele ist einzigartig, für jeden einzelnen. Der Weg ist Dir so eigen, wie jede Wolke am Himmel immer wieder neu ist, frisch.

Ich spüre eine tiefe Sehnsucht nach erfüllter Partnerschaft und Familie. So sein können wie man ist, zusammen lernen und wachsen, Träume haben und verfolgen, Leidenschaft leben und Gefühle zulassen, ja, sogar bis in die kleinsten Winkel jeder einzelnen Zelle spüren, sich lebendig fühlen. Die Freude am Sein, am Erschaffen, dieses kostbare Gut ‚Leben’ schätzen, schützen und lieben. Überraschen und überrascht werden, im Kleinen, jeden Tag aufs Neue.

Ist das ein Widerspruch zu der Tatsache, dass mein Mann und ich uns gerade getrennt haben und wir versuchen eine neue Familien-Konstellation zu bauen mit der Basis der Wertschätzung für einander, der Freundschaft untereinander und der Liebe zu unserer gemeinsamen Tochter? Ich denke nein! Ich denke, das untermauert genau dieses Gedankenspiel. Wer sich in seiner Beziehung nicht mehr genährt fühlt, wer seine Sehnsüchte nicht gemeinsam leben oder teilen kann, der muss weiterziehen, Raum schaffen für Neues! Platz machen, damit beide die Möglichkeit haben, dass zu leben, was sie erfüllt, sich lebendig zu fühlen!

Viele Partnerschaften haben sich gut eingerichtet, es ist bequem, es ist gefühlt anstrengender sich zu trennen und alles auszukaspern nach so vielen Jahren, als es noch einmal zu wagen. Den Sprung ins Unbekannte zu wagen! Man weiß ja nicht, was kommt! Es könnte auch sein, dass man ewig alleine bleibt! Es könnte sein, das alles noch viel schlimmer wird! Es könnte sein, dass man am Ende noch etwas bereut!

Es könnte auch sein, dass alles immer so weiter läuft, obwohl man sich innerlich schon lange nicht mehr lebendig fühlt. Es könnte sein, dass man den Bezug zu sich selbst verliert, weil man so damit beschäftigt ist, es sich schön zu reden, dass alles wunderbar ist. Es könnte sein, dass man sich schon seit Jahren selber belügt und dadurch gar nicht mehr weiß, was man selber ist und was von außen kommt. Könnte doch sein, oder?

Die Sehnsucht lebt vom Träumen, vom Sich-Wegdenken, vom Zulassen der Gefühle, -auch der Traurigkeit und Leere-, vom Sich Vorstellen können „wie es wäre, wenn..“, vom genau hinschauen, was ist, aber auch von den Zweifeln, den Ängsten und Wünschen. Sehnsucht ist für mich ein essentieller Teil des Menschseins.

Sehnsucht ist Teil dessen was ich nenne…to have a quest….

Erfüllung in allen Lebensbereichen anzustreben, ganzheitlich zu leben, sich seinen eigenen Schatten zu stellen, die Verbundenheit all dessen was lebt zu sehen und zu akzeptieren, ja mehr noch, sie zu schützen, als Essenz des Lebens.

Nicht vor sich hin zu leben, sondern aktiv zu gestalten, so zu leben, wie es sich frisch und lebendig anfühlt, wach zu bleiben und im Fluss, im Fluss der Veränderung. Veränderung als das anzuerkennen was es ist, ein Teil des Lebens, ein Teil des Wandels. Alles kommt und geht – nicht alles ist bestimmbar, die Frage ist immer nur: Was will ich jetzt das passiert? Wie möchte ich sein? Was möchte ich hinterlassen, im Heute und für die Zukunft?

Vielleicht gibt es eine Möglichkeit, die Tiefen der Seele zu ergründen, Dinge zu teilen, mitzuteilen in liebevoller Art und Weise. So die Sehnsüchte der anderen zu nähren, sie zu ermutigen auch den Weg der Seele zu gehen. Den Samen der Sehnsucht organisch wachsen zu lassen, im Wissen, wer einmal anfängt, kann nicht zurück.


Deshalb:

Beflügele deinen Geist mit Schönem!

Schöne Bilder, schöne Musik, gutes Essen, schöne Menschen, inspirierende Gespräche mit Freunden oder Fremden, schöne Landschaften, lesenswerte Bücher, tolle Aussichten, Auszeiten im Café oder wo auch immer Du bist, auf einer schönen Bank im Park sitzend. Bewundere die Bäume im Park, die stolzen Schwäne, die fröhlichen Amseln und Spatzen, öffne Dich für das Schöne, das immer da ist!

 

Feure Deine Leidenschaft mit Träumen und Wünschen an!

Führe ein kleines Büchlein mit Dir und notiere, was sich Dir zeigt, von Zitaten, Ideen, Inspirationen bis zu Zeitungsartikeln, Reiseideen, Rezepten, was auch immer. Bleib wach für Dein Innerstes! Schaue aber auch im Außen was Dich anspricht! Was machen andere, wo Du insgeheim neidisch bist, dass Dir bisher der Mut gefehlt hat, es auch zu tun! Notiere Dir alles, ohne Bewertung, ohne alles zu zerdenken oder schon zu überlegen, warum es sowieso wieder nicht geht.

 

Bleib dran!

Diszipliniere Dich, wenn nötig! Lebe, wenn möglich! Genieße den Körper und alles was damit einhergeht! Tu es ohne Schuldbewusstsein! Und komme wieder zu dem Zurück was Du eigentlich möchtest! Tue jeden Tag etwas kleines, statt 1x die Woche eine Stunde machen zu wollen und es doch nicht zu schaffen.

Startschuss zum Bloggen – Woohoo

Startschuss zum Bloggen – Woohoo

Dies ist ein Blog über Conscious Living, bewusste Lebensführung, Spiritualität, Gesundheit, Feingeistiges und mehr! Ein Blog über den bewussten Alltag mit Kind und Hund, nach Sinn strebend und achtsam mit sich und der Welt. Viel Spaß!

Manche Artikel werden auf deutsch erscheinen, manche auf englisch. Warum? Weil es Teil meiner Identität ist, ich würde mich als „denglish“ bezeichnen. I just luv it!

This Blog is about conscious living, conscious parenting, spirituality and children living with dogs. Slice-of-life and things I live and try to integrate into my daily life right now. Things that inspire me and help me get back on track to live the freeest version of myself, because that’s what I came here to do!

Get inspired, read, share.

Life is about playing different roles,

being a mum,

being a daughter,

being a pack leader,

being a yoga teacher,

being a bodyworker,

being a student,

being a conflict coach,

being a marketer,

being a truth seeker,

being a friend,

being YOURSELF,

being interested in literature and writing,

being interested in sports,

being interested in animals and documentary

being interested in hard facts

being interested in music

being interested in all the beauties life has to offer.

Life is about digging deep to revitalize all the talents and desires you brought with you. Digging deep because conditioning and experiences buried them.

Life is about bringing everything together, all dualities:

Being in the HERE and NOW –

INHALE            What time is it?

EXHALE            NOW

INHALE            Where am I?

EXHALE            HERE

And also following your soul’s currciulum.

Being part of society but never stop asking questions about the system you live in.

Think big but be confident enough to live your daily life, daily duties and challenges and still keep in mind where your path is guiding you.

It is about becoming aware and stay open-minded, even if all the news and neighbours tell you otherwise. Staying open instead of closing up.